Something I looked forward to when I returned home for the weekend from college: Weekend breakfasts. My mother being a person of ceremony (or routine, however you'd like to phrase it), she likes to have breakfast with brewed hazelnut coffee, and classic American or Indonesian music playing on the stereo. As breakfast proceeds she tends to begin a lecture, sharing a mother's wisdom with her two daughters. This morning's topic was parenting.
We were initially discussing how some Indonesian mothers tend to worry over the slightest signs of "abnormality" in their children's behavior. She reflected for a moment and then said, "I think it's how we were raised in Indonesia. We become harsh to children and overly negative and critical. Americans, on the other hand, are more open to understanding their children. In Indonesia we say, 'kids shouldn't talk, they don't know anything.' Here children's opinions are more respected. Maybe that's why you guys (referring to my sister and I) are the way you are. Dominant parents produce children that lack self-confidence. Especially working parents, who are so tired from work there's usually little energy to spare into being patient with 'incompetent behavior'."
Before I proceed to her other words I want to add some of my reflections on several points. First I'd like to show my appreciation for her analysis and her openness. Though it is quite the norm in our household (being open about our thoughts and feelings), I still like to be grateful every time, particularly when I hear my friends and how they yearn for similar openness. And secondly, this sort of parenting is typical of all Asian parents, I believe, and it can prove to be very detrimental to the children. If you haven't seen the movie the King's Speech, you should. It addresses exactly the outcome. In that way the American parenting is more Islamic. The Prophet SAW, for example, gave total respect to 'Ali RA's opinion though he was a mere 13-year-old.
To return to mama's words: "There are of course pluses and minuses for both the Western and Indonesian/Asian way of parenting. On the plus side, the Indonesian parenting brings the traditional and religious values." She then became more specific to her own parenting experience. She explained that she tried so hard in the beginning to shed the negative aspect of such parenting by reading Western parenting books before having us. Yet culture is not so easily shed. "You (again, referring to my sister and I) should be able to parent the right way and only take the positives from your Indonesian background because you grew up here."
It's difficult, at least for me, I argued. Though I am nowhere near being a parent, I already see traces of how I would parent by how I care for my sister. Our mother being a single parent, she often has to play the father role. And I, as the older sister, by default often play the mommy role. Which makes it difficult at times to remember that my primary role is to be the supportive older sister, not the critical mother. And the fact that I grew up in Indonesia makes it hard for me to extract just the positives. You can't put one of your legs in the mud and expect to pull it out in the pristine condition it was before.
"Yes, it's hard," she replied, "but it needs effort. If we do not analyze our behavior, if we just do as we've been taught, then we're not going to change. You need to stop and analyze every once in a while: 'Am I raising my children the way I wanted to?' You need to actively stop yourself. Stop yourself starting now and don't wait until it carries over to your kids."
Her final words should be considered well beyond the context of parenting. Every aspect of our lives requires that we make frequent self-reflections, particularly when those aspects involve other people's lives. We need to pay particular attention and practice particular restraint when dealing with other people's children (yes, that includes your friends and colleagues), my mother warns. Because when they hear the same criticism from their mothers, they can but be angry at that moment before they go back to loving their mothers. But with anyone else, particularly if we truly overstep our boundaries, the ties can be severed. So be mindful of your impact on this world and its inhabitants (or shall we say passerby?)
