Something I looked forward to when I returned home for the weekend from college: Weekend breakfasts. My mother being a person of ceremony (or routine, however you'd like to phrase it), she likes to have breakfast with brewed hazelnut coffee, and classic American or Indonesian music playing on the stereo. As breakfast proceeds she tends to begin a lecture, sharing a mother's wisdom with her two daughters. This morning's topic was parenting.
We were initially discussing how some Indonesian mothers tend to worry over the slightest signs of "abnormality" in their children's behavior. She reflected for a moment and then said, "I think it's how we were raised in Indonesia. We become harsh to children and overly negative and critical. Americans, on the other hand, are more open to understanding their children. In Indonesia we say, 'kids shouldn't talk, they don't know anything.' Here children's opinions are more respected. Maybe that's why you guys (referring to my sister and I) are the way you are. Dominant parents produce children that lack self-confidence. Especially working parents, who are so tired from work there's usually little energy to spare into being patient with 'incompetent behavior'."
Before I proceed to her other words I want to add some of my reflections on several points. First I'd like to show my appreciation for her analysis and her openness. Though it is quite the norm in our household (being open about our thoughts and feelings), I still like to be grateful every time, particularly when I hear my friends and how they yearn for similar openness. And secondly, this sort of parenting is typical of all Asian parents, I believe, and it can prove to be very detrimental to the children. If you haven't seen the movie the King's Speech, you should. It addresses exactly the outcome. In that way the American parenting is more Islamic. The Prophet SAW, for example, gave total respect to 'Ali RA's opinion though he was a mere 13-year-old.
To return to mama's words: "There are of course pluses and minuses for both the Western and Indonesian/Asian way of parenting. On the plus side, the Indonesian parenting brings the traditional and religious values." She then became more specific to her own parenting experience. She explained that she tried so hard in the beginning to shed the negative aspect of such parenting by reading Western parenting books before having us. Yet culture is not so easily shed. "You (again, referring to my sister and I) should be able to parent the right way and only take the positives from your Indonesian background because you grew up here."
It's difficult, at least for me, I argued. Though I am nowhere near being a parent, I already see traces of how I would parent by how I care for my sister. Our mother being a single parent, she often has to play the father role. And I, as the older sister, by default often play the mommy role. Which makes it difficult at times to remember that my primary role is to be the supportive older sister, not the critical mother. And the fact that I grew up in Indonesia makes it hard for me to extract just the positives. You can't put one of your legs in the mud and expect to pull it out in the pristine condition it was before.
"Yes, it's hard," she replied, "but it needs effort. If we do not analyze our behavior, if we just do as we've been taught, then we're not going to change. You need to stop and analyze every once in a while: 'Am I raising my children the way I wanted to?' You need to actively stop yourself. Stop yourself starting now and don't wait until it carries over to your kids."
Her final words should be considered well beyond the context of parenting. Every aspect of our lives requires that we make frequent self-reflections, particularly when those aspects involve other people's lives. We need to pay particular attention and practice particular restraint when dealing with other people's children (yes, that includes your friends and colleagues), my mother warns. Because when they hear the same criticism from their mothers, they can but be angry at that moment before they go back to loving their mothers. But with anyone else, particularly if we truly overstep our boundaries, the ties can be severed. So be mindful of your impact on this world and its inhabitants (or shall we say passerby?)
Although I agree on most of your reflections, I also have my own experiences that I want to share with you. When my only son started to be able to talk I also thought deeply about how I would raise him, the way my parents did or perhaps my own way which is obviously influenced by reading western styles of parenting from reading western books. When time goes by and it comes the time I have to teach him our religious understandings and rituals then I have difficulties to just apply the western style of parenting. I would fall short into leniency in the name of understanding, openness and volunteering acts. I wasn't able to be firm into demanding certain diciplines regardless of his age limition of western standards of doing. I have asked him to perform regular praying when he is able to memorize some of the reading during the prayer. I have asked him to practice fasting during Ramadan even though for western standard it looks so harsh to let a six years old child not eat from sunset to sundown. Beginning this Ramadan I am starting to wake him up for early prayers (fadjr pray) although he has just slept for 5 hours sleep. A lot of time I have to hold my desire to complement him on his achievement of the fear I boost his ego and encourage his pride of himself. I want him to know that all comes from Allah's blessing and all the praise he should credit it to Allah alone. Most of the time I allow him to speak his own mind but sometimes I stop him short when I think he is approaching "talk back" rather than discussing the matter. Every single decision I took regarding allowing him to get what he wants I have to questioning myself if it's the right decision Islamicly regardless what western parenting says about it. So at the end I didn't choose either Indonesian parenting or western parenting, I chose what is right (in my ability of understanding) according to Islamic teaching, it can be parallel with western idea or Indonesian's. I hope I do the right thing for him, Allah knows best.
ReplyDeleteNo doubt, Islamic rearing is the best method of rearing. Islam provides the frame of mind. That said, my point was largely to drive home the idea that Islamic rearing is flexible, and a lot of its methods can be found in Western rearing (as well as in other cultures). InsyaAllah your efforts in rearing your son according to Islam will please Allah and will produce a fine, humble young man. WaAllahu 'Alam.
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to the gratitude you have for your mom being "open" to you. My parents are the same exact way and I have so many moments when I am so thankful that they are not the way typical Asian parents tend to be (I'm generalizing a stereotype here of course)... but I here so many of my friends talk about the illogical restrictions or lack of voice they have in their household and I'm just amazed. I can say 90% of the person I am- my thoughts, my personality, my perspective can be attributed to my parent's raising me in an Islamic, yet open, welcoming and loving environment. Not one of constant criticism, but understanding and wise lecturing!
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